Sexual Control ~
“No, No, No” Means “No” Three Times; It Doesn’t Mean “Na Maybe”
by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
There are people who believe that they are entitled to receive whatever they ask of you. Actually, they can’t hear the “no” because in their head they already have you saying yes. And they are accustom to getting what they believe they are entitled to even though it is not theirs to have, nor is it in your heart to give at this time.
We see these dynamics routinely in abusive relationships, particularly with respect sexual intimacy. Take Dustin and Isabel, for example.
No, No, No
Dustin and Isabel met a little over a month ago, and Dustin is ready for whatever he can get…sexually. Isabel, on the other hand, is very clear that she does not want to have unprotected sex with this new intimate partner.
She tells him just that. But he won’t take her “no” for an answer. Her “no, no, no” said clearly and consistently is a game to him… an obstacle to his party… an irritant to his demand.
Instead of it being an answer to a request; it is the joke of the relationship. Dustin grows to enjoy using the “no, no, no” as his go-to line to tease and shame his partner into submission. And that is exactly what happened.
Isabel became worn down hearing her plea of “no” turned back on her, thrown in her face as a relentless tease to taunt her into unprotected sexual compliance. She isn’t allowed the decency to have input into this basic couple’s decision. Her preference had already been pegged as foolish, unreasonable, and hurtful to Dustin, from his point of view.
So whether having breakfast, cleaning house, walking in the park or dining at a high end restaurant, Isabel is showered with Dustin’s teasing rant of “no, no, no” which he spews ad nauseam to shame and condition her into sexual compliance.
Teased Submission and Sexual Activity
The use of a condom in healthy relationships is a mutual decision. In relationships characterized by an unequal distribution of power and control within the relationship, condom use becomes the domineering partner’s decision. The teased, the shamed, the abused truly has no vote in this sexual preference matter at hand. Their focus is on how to deal with the discomfort from the shaming, teasing, taunting tactics in play.
If you say “no” to someone about your participation in any sexual activity, and they take your negative reply and turn it into a laughing joke of your relationship, walk away because that dynamic only progresses in one direction. It gets worse without effective intervention.
For information on interrupting common, classic domestic abuse dynamics, visithttp://www.preventabusiverelationships.com/spousal_abuse_tx.php and claim Free Instant Access to The 7 Realities of Verbal Abuse. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people worldwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse.
© Dr Jeanne King— Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention
