Psychology of Abusive Relationships ~ Who’s Holding Your Happiness Card?

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed how controlling people in abusive relationships seek to control your happiness? It’s as though they assume they hold the key to your well-being and shun the notion of you being in the driver seat.

Then should you evidence your having taken charge in this way, there is a price. You may be reprimanded, demeaned, diminished and not know where it is coming from. What you do know is there is a direct relationship between your self-sufficient happiness and your partner’s expressed disenchantment with you.

Eventually, you learn to hide your moments of pleasure (and activities) that bring you well-being, so as to avoid the relationship conflict associated with it. Over the years helping women (and men) in abusive controlling relationships, I have seen people conceal everything from new shoes to snicker bars to gym memberships to spa days all in an effort to avoid jealousy and rage rearing its ugly head in the aftermath of their positive experience.

My Secret Silence

I, too, know this like the back of my hand. Decades ago, I lived in an abusive relationship and met this challenge daily. I had a sitting practice in which I retreated into a quiet corner of our home. Closing eyes and letting go of all expectations of me, I’d settle into silence and linger there twenty…thirty minutes or so.