There are loads of people in the domestic violence arena who will tell you that when you are in an abusive relationship, you “must” leave ASAP. While it is true that domestic violence can be lethal, and most batterers actually do not change, that’s not the set of facts people use to determine whether to stay or leave.

Some Stay

I do believe that there are conditions in which change is more likely and there are people whose condition is more amenable to therapeutic change. Over the last two decades, I have witnessed couples remarry after healing domestic abuse in their relationship. I have seen people have a third child after a restorative justice intervention is underway following incidents of domestic abuse and physical violence.

I have had couples mature into empty nesters and subsequently refer their own children into my care. My perspective differs from those urging one to “leave,” because my orientation is toward promoting growth and well-being for the individual and the family…even though I don’t apply a systems approach to therapeutic interventions.

Some Leave

Some people in these domestic violence situations are so overwhelmed by the pressure around them. Often their decision to leave is not even theirs, yet it happens. The decision is often made by another family member, who is protecting either party and who holds more control than the domestic abuse offender. Or, it can be made by law enforcement taking over in a state in which there is mandated arrest for domestic violence under specific conditions.

In some cases, it isn’t until decades later that one can truly see the silver lining in leaving. There usually is a silver lining, if one did, indeed, take that step.

Domestic Violence Advice for Loved Ones

I recently did an interview with an editor for New York Publication SELF on how to help a loved one or friend in this situation. The bottom line is this: Suspend any and all judgment, and assist in helping the abused find their own inner voice.

More on this… to come.