Do You Know Why You Don’t Say “No” in Your Abusive Relationship?

by Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.

Have you ever noticed that irrespective of what you do, a batterer wants you to know how you have wronged them? They want you to realize and pay for an ongoing list of faults, many of which have absolutely nothing to do with you.

In other writings, I have used the term “in the doghouse” to describe the place this person wants you parked. It is almost as though they find deep pleasure in establishing that you are “the problem” even when you are unaware that a specific problem exists.

Object of Hatred

It’s as though they become soothed when they assign their inner disgust to you. They no longer have to identify it, see it, and feel it…even though deep within, it remains with them.

You suddenly, by their declaration, become their problem and source of discontent. You experience yourself as the object of their disenchantment and hatred. And the “real” problem of their concern remains buried in the battering…with only the emotional scars visible for your reflection.

Can’t Say “No” Without a Big Price

In this same relationship, you know that there is no room for your “No.” You are not given the right and freedom to have and hold an opinion/preference that doesn’t…